Category Archives: Humour

Diary of a Bad Housewife

Since I’m not out and about anymore, I’ve been trying to pick up the housework slack. Mind you, I’m not crazy about housework in general, but I’m giving it an honest try. I’ve actually been able to load the dishwasher without Vin rearranging it, and can turn it on without needing written instructions.

Vin chops up all the week’s vegetables on Sundays. He always says he’s afraid of me doing it because I’ll cut myself and he doesn’t want to have to take me to the emergency room. (Geesh, need stitches on a sliced finger once and you never live it down!) But I’ve been making the salads and chopping up fruit for quite some time without incident. ¬†Well, maybe he’s on to something, because the first Sunday he lets me chop vegetables, I slice into a finger. I guess I’ll just stick to fruit.

And dusting. I really hate dusting, but with all the dog fur, it has to be done. We used to joke about dusting every Thanksgiving holiday, whether the house needed it or not, but I am trying to dust way more often, at least one room every week. This past week I did the dining room, which is where the thermostat is kept. Hmm, didn’t realize that thermostats are so sensitive. Did you know you can change the temperature¬†setting by running a rag over the top of a thermostat? Right, I didn’t know that either. No wonder it was so stinking HOT in the house even though the air conditioner’s been running and this past week’s heat wave ended. Having the heat set to 75 degrees at the same time will do that. Good thing Vin heard the furnace kick on, or we might have had the heat wave longer than the rest of Massachusetts.

Who’s a lucky bass clarinet player?

I am so lucky! I get to play bass clarinet for the Romeo and Juliet excerpts in the upcoming North Shore Philharmonic Symphony’s concert in April. Here is one of the movements:

Isn’t the bass clarinet part incredible? This is the scene after Romeo and Juliet are married but before they separate to fake their deaths. And we all know how that turned out. I hope the end result on my unreliable bass clarinet turns out better!

40 things you WISH you could say at work…

(Saw this on FB!)

40 things you WISH you could say at work…

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I, flypaper for freaks!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office, it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career — turns out I just wanted paychecks.
39. Sure, you came up with that idea.
40. I’d love to help you, but it’s 5:00 PM.